THE SCOTTISH PLAY - DECEMBER 2016

I discovered this audition notice four days before the audition, so I didn’t have time to memorize a dramatic Shakes monologue. That’s my lame-ass excuse and I’m forced to stick with it.

It was a Sunday morning audition and I was the second to go in. I did my Comedy of Errors monologue and got some good reactions from the director. She asked if I had a contemporary dramatic monologue. I said I didn't (I did, but I was fuzzy on it), so I offered to do the first part of a monologue from Coriolanus that I remembered, and I did.

Callbacks were cold readings. The excerpts were emailed ahead of time and I was told to familiarize myself with the part of Ross. I thought I did okay. At one point, I got a tiny bit of unintentional spittle on my face from the actor I was paired off with. Those are the risks you take in a Shakespeare scene. 

I was eventually offered the part of Lennox, which I took.

DRAMEDY - DECEMBER 2016

I was emailed some sides to be familiar with. First off, they were for a character whose description read “in his 20s/30s”, which was a bit flattering and then I realized my headshots were ten years old. And then it led me to realize I’ve lost a little weight, which further led me to think that it was time to update my headshot.

Anyways, one of the sides was a monologue and the other was a scene. And I firmly committed to the idea of memorizing the monologue because I had enough time to prepare. And then I got a flare-up of gout. Now I know you don’t need your feet to memorize shit, but I was too angry, depressed and uncomfortable to memorize, so there.

I biked to THE CHURCH on a Saturday morning. I was relatively stress-free as I waited to go in. I went in and one of the three guys behind the table asked me to do the monologue. And then after that, he asked me to do it again, but less performed and as if I were coming up with the descriptions my character was saying on the spot.

After that, he said there was no need for them to see me perform the other side and he thanked me. He smiled as he did so, and he sounded sincere, but that little bugaboo inside my head whispered, “Failure!” to me as I left.

So I shut it up with a doughnut and coffee afterwards.

Three days later, I got the rejection email.

STAGED READINGS OF MOVIE COMEDIES - OCTOBER 2016

The company responded to my email request by simply stating that auditions were between 2 and 6 on a Saturday. No specific time, which slightly bugged me. Whatever.

I recall the place when I show up. It used to be a speakeasy in the 20s, but when I visited it half a decade ago it was an antique mart. It’s been reinvented as a speakeasy again.

The guy at the check-in desk asks me to pick a time slot on a piece of paper to audition in. I pick the soonest available time.

I don’t recognize any of the handful of other actors waiting there. But that’s because most of them – according to the conversations I’m overhearing – are recent transplants to the city. This depresses me for a few microseconds for some reason.

I go in and do my “Candid” monologue for two women. They chuckle a bit. As I’m leaving one of them asks if I had a preference for the movies they are doing (The Princess Bride or Christmas Vacation). I tell her “Either/or.”

Ten days later, I got the “No thanks” email.

DRAMA BASED ON TRUE EVENTS - AUGUST 2016

The audition was basically cold reading a monologue from a character of your choosing. I didn’t aim for what appeared to be the male lead, but from an angry cop. Despite my heart not being in it, I didn’t phone it in or half-ass it. I even took direction from the director when he asked me to read it again.

When I left I bumped into a cast member I was currently doing the MUSICAL PARODY with, who was also auditioning for the drama.

Two days later, the director emailed me offering the part I read for. I took it.

MUSICAL PARODY - MAY 2016

I had auditioned for, and been cast in, two previous shows with this company. Like the last time I was told to skip the main auditions and just show up to the callbacks where we were to read from sides, dance and sing.

I had deliberately avoided musicals for nearly 20 years because I just don’t care for them. But I like this company and the people there.

One of the two parts I read for was the character I most wanted to play. I kinda got the feeling that one of the directors wanted me to get the role, too, as he made me do the same scene over with some added direction.

I did get cast, but not in that role. I was disappointed for about 2 seconds.

ARTHUR MILLER PLAY - DECEMBER 2015

I wasn't originally going to these cuz commuting to the suburbs for a show when you don't own a car is a pain in the ass and, well, I just don't care for Arthur Miller. But after the first round of auditions were over the director sent out an email to male actors she'd worked with before because none had auditioned for this one. My ego was flattered and I had nothing lined up so off I went to Day One of callbacks.

And fucked up by getting on the wrong train. By the time I got turned around too much time had passed. I wasn't that heartbroken, so I went back to the city to eat grilled cheese and drink beer. I texted the producer about missing the train and she invited me to Callbacks Day Two.

Auditions were being held in a posh community center. I had my dramatic monologue from What Cops Know prepared, but I was never asked to perform it. Instead I cold read from a few scenes. 

At one point I overheard one of the older gentlemen waiting to audition remark to someone else that he'd appeared in a previous production of this show back in 1965.

I eventually got cast in this show. And before the rehearsal process was even halfway over I was reminded what a pain in the ass commuting to the suburbs was. Especially in the dead of winter.

HALLOWEEN SEASONAL MOVIE PARODY - AUGUST 2015

This was for the same company that did the LOCALLY WRITTEN FARCE that I was cast in a few months previously. The director for this one was the assistant director of that one, and because he already knew me, he told me not to bother showing up for the main auditions, but for callbacks the next day instead. Suddenly, the set-up for that show’s auditions made a lot more sense to me.

I recognized Whiney Macduff* from a production of Macbeth I’d been in as well as an older man who seemed vaguely familiar. Two actors from LOCALLY WRITTEN FARCE were there to audition, too.

As before, it was a cold-reading from various scenes in the show with actors mixed and matched. It was in the middle of this that I remembered who the older man was – he was the playwright of a...not very good play I’d been in a year ago. He…was not a good actor. Whiney Macduff didn’t appear to remember me, though. Or he did a good acting job of pretending not to remember me. Whatever. I didn’t care.

The last thing the director did that evening was have the men get up onstage – one by one – and sing a verse of The Candy Man from Willy Wonka. When it was my turn, I bugged out my eyes maniacally and humped the air like a crazy person (hey, it was that kind of show).

I got cast. Not as the mad professor villain – which was fine by me – but the comic relief weather person (which was also fine by me).

*Whiney Macduff: Brief let me be. A few years previously I'd been in a production of the Scottish Play. This guy was brought in mid-rehearsals to replace the original Macduff. And he was good! And had a very positive attitude despite the chaotic production.

The night before closing I was attacked by a motorist and had my right ankle fractured.

A month after that I auditioned for a production of The Tempest. I was cast, but I had to mea culpa my still-healing ankle to the director. Five minutes later, I was un-cast. I didn't blame the director. He had to look after himself and his production.

Flash forward a week later. I'm attending a show with some acquaintances and Whiney Macduff is there. I tell my story of being cast and uncast in The Tempest. This guy gets all glum and says, "Yeah. I was cast in the show. But it's not one of the more interesting parts."

And I sat there, thinking, "You ungrateful son of a bitch. Especially after the story I just told you. You're complaining about being cast in a Shakespeare show."

Hence the nickname.

COMEDY - AUGUST 2015

I decided that it was time to finally memorize a new monologue. Not just because I was long overdue to do so, but the nature of the play I was going to audition for also demanded it. It’s a play set in England in the 1400s. At first I thought maybe Shakespeare. Then I researched this play online and found that – despite the time period it was set in – all the characters’ dialogue is spoken colloquially. And that maybe it was a dark comedy.

Even though I found the new monologue a week previously, I didn’t decide to memorize it until the day of the audition. I AM LAZY.

It wasn’t all that hard, but it kinda hit me that it was still a weak monologue for the show I was auditioning for. Too late, anyway.

Then – about two hours before the audition – the mother of all thunderstorms hit. Hail everywhere. Trees knocked down. Mass hysteria.

Trees and water everywhere, so biking was out. And local public transportation was stalled on the tracks due to debris. Shit – I was going to have to walk two-and-a-half miles to the audition. Less than fifteen minutes in, the high 90s degree temps and the even higher humidity had mostly dried the still passable streets, but it was too late to turn back for the bike. Also, because of the heat, I had decided to forego socks, so by the time I had showed up to the audition space with three minutes to spare, both my feet were covered in blisters.

Two actors I had worked with were there. We didn’t say much because we were more concerned with going over our monologues.

I went in and did my monologue for three people, one of whom was the director of the staged reading I had done the previous month. I thought I did a decent job performance-wise, but there was still that nagging feeling that the monologue I did wasn’t right for the show.

So I went out and got really shnockered afterwards.

A few days later I got one of the more strangely worded rejection emails, saying that “unfortunately, you were unsuccessful”.

Yes. I suppose.

COMEDY - JULY 2015

Another sides-only audition. The ones the company emailed me weren’t very promising. It seemed a very silly play. And I was carrying a chip on my shoulder from a perceived snub from another theatre company I'd gotten recently.

Nevertheless I showed up to this audition with a positive outlook.

While waiting in the anteroom with a few other actors I heard some overacting in the audition room. I can’t cringe anymore. I'm familiar with this theatre and their usual style of shows. They’re probably lapping it up in there.

I go in with an actor and actress. The director has a male friend fill in for the fourth slot in the cold readings.

I am two decades older than the three other actors and the first part I read for is an elementary school student. Second time around, same scene, I play another school student.

Third time around, new scene, I play the teacher. Then we’re asked to improv a scene where we shit talk a co-worker. Since I’m not very good at improv, I spend most of the scene not making up new jokes, but merely reacting to everyone else’s.

The next afternoon I get the standard rejection email.

ANTHOLOGY SKETCH SHOW #22 - JULY 2015

A bit of backstory: I auditioned for the very first version of this sketch show oh so many years ago. I passed the first round of auditions and was invited back to the callbacks, but when I showed up to THE CHURCH* where said callbacks were, all the doors were locked and I had no number to call the company with. I trudged home though the snow, pretty pissed off. I sent a curt but polite email to them the next day explaining the situation. Their response was basically, “Shucks! Thanks for making the effort anyway!” I knew the door thing wasn’t directly their fault, but I was so ticked off that I’d swore I’d never audition for the company ever again. 

Fast forward four years:

I auditioned for two women (last time it had been two dudes). I did my “What Cops Know” monologue. I didn’t feel good about it. I felt as if I’d under performed it.

Afterwards one of them asked me to relate a story that had happened to me while on the el. I related the same story I told the last time about the punk lesbian couple’s encounter with the vulgar bro dudes. And that was that.

The next day I got the rejection email. It was written by the one who spent the entirety of my monologue looking at my resume.

A few months later I wound up seeing the show with my then girlfriend (who'd just been cast in the twenty-third version of the show). I didn't think it was good. And that ain't sour grapes talkin'.

*THE CHURCH is just that -  a church. But a lot of auditions take place here and it'll show up again in this blog.

DRAMEDY - JUNE 2015

I accidentally scheduled a dental clean-up for the same day as this. I showed up to the audition feeling fine, but worried that my teeth looked pink.

There was one serious-looking actor ahead of me. When his turn came, he let me go ahead of him because he wasn’t ready. Dude wasn’t doing his monologue out loud but internally. Whatever.

I did my monologue from “Candid”. I felt fine doing it. The one guy behind the table laughed a few times. The two women smiled pleasantly. When I woke up the next day, I found the standard “Thanks, but no thanks” email on my phone. For some reason, this hurt a little more than other rejections. I can’t explain it.

Post script – a week later, the same show put another audition notice online for a role in the show that was either suddenly available again/never cast in the first place. Ouch.

TARANTINO/SHAKESPEARE MASHUP - APRIL 2015

Two or three days after I got a confirmation time-slot for this audition, I realized that I had auditioned for this same exact show for the same exact company 3-4 years previously. Fair enough if it had been some generic drama or comedy with a forgettable name, but this wasn’t the case. A little embarrassing (the memory lapse that is).

So I was a bit insecure prostrating myself in front of a company that decided I wasn’t good enough years ago. As I was waiting to go in, another actor asked the “greeter” if a comedy monologue was okay, maybe even a comedy Shakespearean monologue? That was odd. Are you in the right place, buddy?

While filling out my audition form beforehand, I broke one of my rules and checked “Yes” to accepting an understudy role if offered.

(I should explain. I don't like to take understudy positions. It's not because I feel I'm above them. I don't feel that way AT ALL. But I like the idea of working, instead of the idea of "Maybe I'll get to perform this weekend...")

The two people watching my audition couldn’t have been more different in both temperament and body language. The director was a middle-aged, perpetually smiling dude. The stage manager was a younger, stern-faced woman with a dead expression in her eyes.

The monologue went fine, I felt. I enunciated. I didn’t rush through it. Afterwards, the director asked me to pick an animal out of some animal names he gave me. I picked “leech”. For a split second I dreaded that he was going to make me do the monologue again in the manner of a leech, but instead he gave me a poem titled “Leech” and asked me to read it as if I was being held at gunpoint. I did, and hammed it up towards the end.

As I was leaving the building I ran into an actress acquaintance I hadn’t talked to in years.

I didn’t get a part. Not even an understudy part.

LOCALLY WRITTEN FARCE - FEBRUARY 2015

I biked, even though there was snow and slush on the streets. So - of course - I showed up with a soggy, filthy rear end.

They were seeing actors and actresses in groups of five. I was with three dudes a little bit younger than me and a man in his 50s/60s. As we were waiting I heard him ask, “Do you do this often?”

I looked up and realized he was not asking anyone in particular, but all of us. Some Young Jerk kind of answered him with a non-committal grunt. A few minutes later he asked the room again: “Do you do this often?”

It turns out he was quite new to this acting thing. He’d been in a show recently in Skokie. But the audition for that show, he said – and I hope I misheard – was “cooled readings”.

First, we went in separately to do our individual monologues. Then they called us in as a group where we did a little bit of improv. I thought I did fairly. The older gentleman seemed a bit daunted by the things the two directors asked him to do and he stood there for a few awkward seconds trying to figure out what to do before being prompted (politely, but curtly), “Just start; don’t think about it.”

As I left I secretly hoped I wouldn’t be asked to callbacks for a bizarre reason: I wanted to cut my hair. It had gotten super bushy lately, but it hadn’t bothered me until the day of auditions.

So, of course, I got invited to callbacks.

Roughly two dozen actors and actresses showed up. After a brief introduction to all of us (who were all sitting in the black box theatre) scenes were handed out from the show. I was one of the first. In it I played a guy who narrated what he was doing like a 1940s private eye. I was immediately asked to read another scene because the actress I was going to read with had to leave early. Fine with me, and maybe I’d get to leave early, too, after reading two scenes. About a half hour passes while I sit there watching others read scenes. The director, assistant director and playwright then tell us to take five while they decided who to send home first. Five minutes later they arrive and say, “If your name isn’t called, then you can go.” The director then reads off twenty names.

There are twenty-four of us there. Wouldn’t it have just been simpler to name off the four who could go?

Anyways, I wind up reading twice more – both times it’s the private detective scene I read the first time. The first time I re-read it I am quietly bolstered by the fact that they may have already decided me for this role. The second time I am (inwardly) petulant and embarrassed, thinking, “C’mon, guys. 1. Its obvious to everyone else here and 2. I can read for other parts, too, y’know? I got mad range.”

Long story short – I got cast in that role, and, looking back in hindsight, it wouldn’t have mattered/made sense to have me read anything else. Quit yer whining, "Ryan".